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April 18, 2004
Writing around divorce
My friend Randy has had an Internet presence for several years. He started with web pages which evolved into a blog. The idea of writing a blog myself has been growing for a while. At one time the idea of Web page was intimidating, but the tools for Web logs make it easy to publish. Randy's page has a number of links about blogging, and I found some print resources.
I enjoyed creative writing and writing essays as a student, and writing for sf fanzines. I always thought I would write but I always found excuses for not writing. Too busy at work, too many jobs around the house, need to find time with the kids, need to relax and read a book. Can't write for fear it will compromise career choices in law, alienate business partners, alienate clients. Need to get over the latest crisis at work. Need to ... not face this.
Insecurity about my voice and my talent played a part, but depression and shame played a larger part. With depression and shame came a deep fear of self-disclosure and honesty.
Over the last several months, I was working towards starting to write a Web log in the midst of many problems - a stressful workplace, a run-away son with an addiction problem and a marriage floundering in my depression and my wife's involvement in Network marketing and Alterative spiritual and religious groups and Alternative therapies.
On March 12, 2004 my wife Jan told me that she wanted a divorce. I was shaken. She had asked for a divorce a year ago but had stayed to see if I could change enough for her comfort. I had been in therapy since then, and I had learned a good deal about myself during that year. I feel that I have been making progress in my therapy. I think I am fundamentally healthy.
I realized that her involvement in eclectic and eccentric therapies and groups had become central to her sense of who she was. Her involvement in these groups had left me feeling isolated in our marriage and isolated when I was with her family - who are all pretty far into New Age beliefs and practices. My firm conviction is that Jan's involvement in fringe practices and the advice and support she received from her family and from her counsellors and friends on the fringe influenced her perception of me.
I was doing my best within my emotional and intellectual resources to love her while disagreeing with her about the New Age and Network Marketing. She had come to accusing me of "disrespect" and "emotional abuse" for not supporting and embracing her beliefs. She had come to regard me with anger and blame.
When Jan wanted to leave a year ago, I had been shattered. This time, I was not. I am not responsible for her feelings. Her attitude to me had become intolerable. I could not stay in this marriage. I also realized that I had lost the sense of shame over Jan's wish to end the marriage. It's still terribly painful, and I have contributed to the breakup, but I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Jan's announcement did not stop my desire to write. It has probably helped me to move forward and to start a blog. In the first few weeks of the this blog I held back disclosure on the subject of divorce. I had agreed with promised Jan that we would not tell our daughter Claire about our divorce until after her exams ended. I kept my promise in this blog and in my words and actions at home.
Jan does not want me talking about her New Age interests or to share my opinion that her beliefs are on the fringe with anyone, and especially with the kids. She says that this amounts to criticism of her and her family of origin. She says it is inappropriate for a divorcing parent to share his feelings about the marriage breakdown with the kids.
I want to support my children through the divorce, and I don't think I can share the full and intimate history of the marriage and the break-up with them.
I am wondering how this limits my writing. Does supporting my kids through the divorce mean that I can't criticize the eclectic, the eccentric, the Alternative, the New Age? I want Claire and Dave to find their own sense of who they are and how the world works. I think my children are entitled to information about my life and my spirituality, and my skepticism.
The literature on marriage breakup is diverse and inconsistent. Most writers will support honesty in some circumstances, and silence in others and much depends on the intellect and maturity of the kids. I don't think I have to worry about harming the kids by writing about the New Age.
Both kids were aware of their mother's involvement in Network Marketing and New Age spirituality and of the fact that I was critical of those activities and values, and that I was withdrawn and sad and angry. I don't know how they lived within that conflict. Claire is 19 - an adult - with a strong intellectual and critical focus herself. My son Dave is 16, and has been out of the home for months. His comments to me when I have been in touch with him reflect, apart from his own sense of having been repressed in our home, a fairly clear appreciation of his mother's priorities.
The real question is whether writing about the New Age is just an unhealthy form of complaining about being dumped by my wife.
My starting point is honesty. I was a skeptic, a rationalist, a Christian and a Catholic before I was married. I have always been skeptical of the New Age and all the self-annointed prophets of channelling, alien visitations, secret wisdom, Cosmic consciousness and private enlightenment. I had experiences with intense and eccentric beliefs at other times before I was married and outside the marriage.
I had first hand exposure to the New Age during my marriage. Even though one of my wife's criticisms of me was that she could not talk about her beliefs with me or bring her friends around, I still heard some pretty weird stuff. I had a ringside seat - hell I was part of the show - as my wife and her parents and her aunt and an assortment of people coalesced into their own unamed cult. I felt my wife draw apart from me over my attitude towards her beliefs and friends.
I think I would be foolish and wasteful to avoid the New Age in my writing, and dishonest if I didn't disclose my perspective.
Morbid? Angry? Inappropriate? Let's see how it comes out.
Posted by Tony Dalmyn at April 18, 2004 12:54 PM
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Comments
Your writing has always been interesting, thoughtful and and provocative. That you have chosen to begin a blog is a welcome development. That you are writing about issues of such a personal nature takes much courage, and the words are captivating.
I'm at the point where I want to shake up my home page. It's feeling a bit old. I realize that my first web site went up in 1995, but I began blogging in 2002. Until that time, my pages were at best static, large bookmarks. Other than my blog, those pages still exist on my site, and have proven to be quite useful over time. What I want to do with my home page is strip some of the peripheral links from it, and either move them to other pages on the site, or remove them altogether. I'm not finding much energy these days to learn more HTML-related coding.
Posted by: randy at April 19, 2004 12:57 AM