There will be original fic soon, I promise

“Oh, man. You really will not believe this one. Trust me.

"Alright, I was at the Leaky Cauldron, and you know how weird it is running into people you haven’t seen since school? Like, it’s always the last thing you expect. Anyway, I was at the Cauldron, supposed to meet some mates, only I was running late and they weren’t there when I got there. So I’m wondering whether I should cop a seat and just wait or ask to use the hearth to Floo somebody, when who do you think I see? Pansy! Pansy bloody Parkinson sitting alone at a table with a bottle of Firewhiskey and an empty glass.

I’m not sure if I should say 'Hi' but in the end I figure what the hell, so I go over and say, 'Hello Pansy, how’ve you been?' And she looks at me, points a finger at my face, and goes, ' . . . Fletchley . . . Finch . . . Justin.' Just like that. I’m not kidding. So I kind of nod and go, 'Yup. Don’t think I’ve seen you since graduation, what have you been doing?' And she goes, 'Oh, you know. Got engaged.' And I try to congratulate her, you know, say, 'Oh yeah, to whom?' --though you know it’s got to be Malfoy-- but she interrupts me. She was obviously pretty drunk, but the way she did it, just talked right over me, you know it was on purpose. So she’s like, 'Got engaged, got disengaged.' And she goes on, ‘’Course he won’t say why, but Bullstrode’s seen him on Old Compton Street, with Potter no less.’ And I’m like, ‘Holy shit!’ Although when you think about it it’s really not that surprising, is it?

"So she’s squinting down the neck of the bottle and she says, ‘It would probably be a really bad idea to finish this all by myself, wouldn’t it?’ And I don’t say anything, so she’s like, ‘Care to join me, Mudblood?’ And I’m like, ‘Uhh . . .’ but she says, ‘Come on, sit down,’ and a free drink is a free drink. Between us, we kill the bottle in, I don’t know, probably less than an hour. No clue what we were talking about, I was so pissed I was cross-eyed.

"Anyway, when the drink was gone she asks me if I want to go upstairs. Yeah, I know! I remember thinking —You know how she’s got that little snub nose? I remember thinking, and please remember I was shit-faced, I remember thinking 'people say "as cute as a button", but I don’t know who’d actually want to fuck one.' Yeah, I know, like, what the hell? But that’s what went through my head. So anyway, she’s saying, 'You want to go upstairs?' And what do you say to that? You say, 'Yeah, all right!'

"She’s got a room already booked, I don’t know if she was staying there for a while, or what, but we go up and she unlocks the door and goes to open all the windows. And I’m scared she’s going to fall out, because she’s stumbling all over the place, so I go over and try to steady her. It’s cold outside and the windows let all the cold in, but she starts kissing me, tongue straight down my throat, and we sort of fall over on the bed with her on top, and we’re snogging and she takes her top off. She’s got nice breasts, Pansy. Great breasts.

"So she’s down to her bra and jeans and we’re snogging, and I’m feeling her up, and all of a sudden she slaps me! Hard, right in the mouth! So I back right off, just 'Whoa. . .' but she starts right up again kissing me! And she’s saying something, over and over, and it takes me a while to figure out what it is, and when I do I can’t believe it. She’s saying, brace yourselves, she’s saying, 'Call me Daddy!' What?! And I’m not sure what she really expects me to do, but she’s on top of me and I don’t want to piss her off, so I try saying, 'Umm . . . ooh Daddy, ooh that’s good Daddy.' And she seems to like that, at least she’s growling and dry-humping me. And I’m, I don’t think I even really need to say it, but I’m really hard by now, so I keep egging her on, 'Yeah Daddy! Go Daddy!' And every time I try to touch her down there, you know, to return the favour, or even take her trousers off, she pushes my hands away. But she keeps riding me like a bronco and muttering things, dirty sexy unbelievable things.

"Then, right when I’m getting close, with her grinding all over me and licking my neck, she pulls off and pushes me, physically flips me over. And before I know what’s happening, she’s pushed her hands up under my shirt and vest, and running her nails down my back. Not lightly either. I had the scratches for weeks, but at the time I was like, 'Wow. That’s cool.'

"And then, I swear this is true, and then she yanks my trousers down, and my shorts, rough-like; I’m lucky she didn’t break my piece off the way she pulled. And I’m glad I washed right before I went out, because Pansy spreads my arse cheeks and—I’m not making this up—she starts licking me. Licking my pucker, groping my balls, pressing her knuckle into that bit of skin between them and I’m telling you, wow. Merlin’s beard, you can’t imagine how mad it was. And I remember thinking, if Malfoy’s queer, why’d he leave this? I know that’s stupid and that’s not how it works, but remember I was drunk and being fantastically abused by Pansy Parkinson.

"I was about ready to cry when she stopped, it was that good, but anyway she stops licking me and she reaches over to the nightstand and whispers some charm, and next thing I know she’s spreading my arse again and sticking her wand in my hole. It doesn’t hurt, it’s covered in some warm slippery stuff, and she sticks it in me, and it’s all thin and bendy and sort of knobbly, and she starts pulling it out and pushing it in, not far, but the bumpy bits sliding through the opening felt really good. Then she starts talking again, 'Oh yeah, Mudblood, you like that, don’t you?' and 'Say my name, Mudblood, say my name!' And I’m like, 'Daddy! I mean Pansy! I mean—don’t stop!' And I’m humping the mattress through the bedspread, and she’s buggering me with her wand and squeezing my nuts and I’m telling you, I came like a fucking rocket. Kaboom! I haven’t seen so many fireworks since the Weasley twins’ departure.

"So I am done, spent, I just want to lie there on that bed in the puddle of my own cum until I get my strength back, but Pansy, who’s still in her bra and denims, mind, she leans in and licks the welts on my back where she scratched me, puts her mouth right to my ear and whispers, 'Get out.' And I’m like, 'What?' And she starts screaming! 'Get out! Getoutgetoutgetout!' Yikes!

"So I scramble off the bed, trying to pull my trousers up so I don’t trip as I hop to the door, which she slams in my face. And I just stand there for a minute, staring at this closed door. Then I fix my clothes and go home. One of the weirdest nights of my life, definitely the hottest.

"Try and top that.��?